Forward Motion This Week

So this week the weather has been beautiful here in San Francisco.  People would complain that it was too hot but after living in New Orleans it was mild.  Having sun in my life I find makes a huge difference.  I had thought that my vacation would be sun and warm weather but I chose to do something different.  I went to Rotterdam (the Netherlands in Europe) and it was cold and kind of dismal.  So this past week was a welcomed and pleasant change.

So this week I’m thinking about how I did on the list of 13 Tips to Building Self Esteem.  Well #1 start small I’ve done but I don’t think I’m pushing myself that hard.  I keep myself busy but that’s a diversion most times.  I’ve done it so long I don’t even know I’m doing it now.

This week my action to push my boundaries was to look inside myself to deal with one of my demons.  My weight is the demon I decided to shine some light.  This week after talking to a therapist we had agreed that I would look into Weight Watchers and minimally see when and where they had meetings.  Checking to see when the meetings are held is pretty easy.  I’ve done it before and I can do that without allowing it to get too close to me.  Protecting the demon or all the feelings of shame and fear.  I told the therapist before that I saw the group (Weight Watchers) in the same way that I see a cult or church.  Ironically I see churches and cults in the same way.

When I pulled up the list of meetings in the area I saw that there was one in the LGBT Center here in San Francisco.  Being gay that made it seem somewhat more “safe”.  I found that the meeting was on Saturday morning at 10 AM.  Anyone who knows me knows that more than likely I’m not going to have plans at 10 AM.  Well maybe going to breakfast but now that’s (eating) part of the problem.  To push myself I filled out a form to go to the meeting and made plans to go and check it out.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  Emotions ran high and there were wacky visions that crossed my mind.  Remember I thought of Weight Watchers as a cult.

So Saturday morning came and I rolled myself out of bed and got ready to go to the meeting.  There was anxiety but I pushed forward.  I’ve done a lot of things in my life that were ‘uncomfortable’.  I’m pleased to say that I didn’t find the meeting to be a cult and I could see that it was a supportive group of people.  Previously I’ve never really expected people to be supportive so that a part of the meeting that encourages me.  That little voice in my head still spouting negative thoughts but I am pushing it to the side to move forward.

This weeks challenge is to track my eating habits.  I’m not very good with this kind of thing.  I feel like it’s pointing out faults but it’s not about that at all.  I obviously don’t like to have my faults pointed out.  Trust you and me I know my faults.

Any suggestions are welcome.  Support is definitely welcomed as well.

As Megan McGlover would say “I love you strong, I love you long.”  Have a great week everyone.

 

Blue Sky May Be On The Way

So today I’m feeling better and I have to say that it makes a huge difference in life.  I keep trying to focus on the positive and that helps.  I read an article By Jae Song & Tina Su talking about Jae’s experience with a problem just like I had mentioned.  She talks about how she moved on and 13 steps that helped her get to a better place.  I’ve done a couple of the steps and I have to say I see how it helps.  If you’re in a gray place or feel like a black cloud is following you’re not alone.  Check out 13 Tips to Building Self Esteem.

The one that I like the most I think is, Start Small.  Small task that you can complete are huge benefits to our psyche.  You feel like you can do more and it helps push out doubt and negative thoughts.  This last week I’ve been pulling back and keeping focus on the small and close things.  It’s helped and I stopped beating myself up.  That’s hard to do but it’s almost a mantra.  You just keep saying it till you believe it.

Yesterday I cleaned my apartment.  I especially focused on my bedroom which is a source of embarrassment for me.  I’m not a person who lives in their bedroom.  I don’t have a TV in their nor do sit I read.  I sleep in my bedroom.  That’s it.  My desk is in my bedroom though.  I am sitting there now.  So the desk is the center of a LOT of clutter.  I”m not a neat freak by any means of the imagination but it seems like a disaster and I equated that to my life in general.  Do you have a space like your desk that is about productivity and you can’t keep it under control?  Well that was causing some doubt for me because I couldn’t get it under control.  So I took EVERYTHING off the desk and gave it a proper cleaning.  I threw things away or put them away.  I still have a lot on it but I can see the majority of the desk top which makes me feel good.  Oh and here’s no layer of desk now either.

So the next step is to Create a Compelling Vision.  That’s going to be a little more difficult for me.  It almost ranks up there with “What do you want to be when you Grow up?”  Create an image of the person you want to be.  I’ve always been a fan of superheroes   I think my imagination gets the better of me sometimes.  So now the challenge is to find a realistic image of the person I want to be.  I’m thinking that the KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) method is the best.  So now to make the goal reasonable and attainable.

So as an example of my movement forward is writing this blog.  I know it’s small and I can do it.  There may be misspelled words or bad grammar but I did it.  I wrote this and I’m going to publish it.  That’s part of my goal actually.  To write here on my blog expelling doubt and negative feelings will be a way for me to not hold all this in and feed on it.  I welcome any comments and feedback.  It’s nice to know that others out there deal with the same feelings.

I’ll boil down the 13 points but you should go read, 13 Tips to Building Self Esteem.

  1. Start Small
  2. Create a Compelling Vision
  3. Socialize
  4. Do Something that Scares You
  5. Do Something You Are Good At
  6. Set Goals
  7. Help Others Feel Good About Themselves
  8. Get Clarity on Life Areas
  9. Create a Plan
  10. Get Motivated
  11. Get External Compliments
  12. Affirmations & Introspection
  13. No More Comparisons

Have a good Sunday and get out in the sun if you can.  I’m here in San Francisco and the weather is nice.  The point is, get out and do something that makes you happy or content.  It doesn’t matter what that is, it’s just important that you DO IT.

 

Ever Feel Like There’s a Black Cloud Following You?

Over the past week I’ve been kind of down.  It’s actually been a little longer than that if I was honest with myself but lets go with the last week.  Nothing is really wrong in life so why do I feel this way?  I just did my first European vacation.  I mean why should I feel sad and gloomy?  I live in a fantastic city with so much to do and see. So why am I blue?

It’s Sunday morning I’ve made breakfast, watched cartoons, I’ve gotten laundry going and I’ve been working on one of my entrepreneurial ventures.  So why do I feel like something is missing or not complete?  Well it all comes down to the lack of a connection with another person.  A lover if you will.  Why is it so important?

Someone remarked to me the other night about how they have been single longer than their last relationship lasted.  Well that doesn’t take all that much for me I guess.  My last serious relationship last 3 years.  Not even a consecutive 3 years.  I had left for a short period.

I’ve been told that you should be able to speak to friends about this kind of thing.  When I’ve done that though I’ve not found it to be a positive experience.  It normally gets turned around on me or they cling on to it as well and want pity from me.  Then people wonder, “Why pay to see a therapist?”  Well that seem pretty clear to me.  At least they’ve been trained to show some empathy and then how to help you move past these things.

Maybe it’s time to hit the library and see if I can find a book on improving self esteem.  That would be a good start I think.  I’m seem a lot of this steams from a lack of self esteem and worth.  At work people seem to feel it’s appropriate to make discouraging remarks and treat people as though they are not equal.  What I keep hearing is everyone is stupid except for me/us.  It’s hard to build self esteem or worth in that kind of environment.

Well for now I’ll at least Google how to build self esteem and see where that takes me.  Who knows maybe I’ll learn something that helps me on the internet.  That’s always a possibility even though we all know that the internet is just for porn.