Over the last year I’ve been working on self improvement. First I was working on getting my weight under control. I had been gaining weight slowly for decades now and it was time for it to stop. So I’ve dropped about 45 pounds. Then came the fact that I need to start going to the gym. I was doing lots of walking but I still have this beer gut that I need to work on loosing.
Also there’s been work to do on my general outlook on life. That sounds far easier than it actually is for some reason. I have a lot going on for me and there’s a lot of things going right. Lets take a look a couple thing…
I had a stroke 3 years ago
I picked up and moved across country
Oh did I mention when I moved I didn’t have a job
So life could be far more difficult than it is for me. I could be physically impaired due to the stroke. I could be mentally impaired by the stroke. I could be without a job still. Even worse I could be living back with my parents because I don’t have money to live on my own.
So this week I’m dedicating lots of time to getting my attitude adjusted. I’m going to work on getting a positive outlook on life. I’m going to leave those negative thoughts that creep into my brain on the side of the road. I’m going to be grateful if it kills me gosh darn it!
So as part of my life I’m going to work on posting here. Sometimes it won’t be much but it will be something. Maybe I’ll take my word a day that I do and start posting it here. Making the sentence I create using the word a positive thought for the day. I’m not sure how it’s going to work but I’m going to work on making it work.
So thanks for all the support and I really appreciate any feedback you may have about my post. Sometimes people laugh at this but I wasn’t an English major so I’m sure my writing could use some help.
So I came home after my work day and I wanted to keep on task. I talked to my roommate for a while but I got back on plan with breaking out my viola and practicing. I did that for 30 minutes. Sad to say but that’s about as long as I can focus when doing that.
I made my dinner of about 5 oz of beer sausage and friend cabbage and cauliflower. I ate my dinner at a steady pace so I didn’t feel like I was inhaling it.
I worked on my resume so that it’s up to date and ready if needed. The finally I went for a walk to meet my activity goal for the day. I did pretty good. I actually topped out at 127% of my daily goal. I walked about 3.5 miles down to the Castro and back home.
That’s what I did today! What did you do? I think writing this is going to help me focus and be more accountable. Small steps to making my life a little more organized and productive.
Over the past week I’ve been kind of down. It’s actually been a little longer than that if I was honest with myself but lets go with the last week. Nothing is really wrong in life so why do I feel this way? I just did my first European vacation. I mean why should I feel sad and gloomy? I live in a fantastic city with so much to do and see. So why am I blue?
It’s Sunday morning I’ve made breakfast, watched cartoons, I’ve gotten laundry going and I’ve been working on one of my entrepreneurial ventures. So why do I feel like something is missing or not complete? Well it all comes down to the lack of a connection with another person. A lover if you will. Why is it so important?
Someone remarked to me the other night about how they have been single longer than their last relationship lasted. Well that doesn’t take all that much for me I guess. My last serious relationship last 3 years. Not even a consecutive 3 years. I had left for a short period.
I’ve been told that you should be able to speak to friends about this kind of thing. When I’ve done that though I’ve not found it to be a positive experience. It normally gets turned around on me or they cling on to it as well and want pity from me. Then people wonder, “Why pay to see a therapist?” Well that seem pretty clear to me. At least they’ve been trained to show some empathy and then how to help you move past these things.
Maybe it’s time to hit the library and see if I can find a book on improving self esteem. That would be a good start I think. I’m seem a lot of this steams from a lack of self esteem and worth. At work people seem to feel it’s appropriate to make discouraging remarks and treat people as though they are not equal. What I keep hearing is everyone is stupid except for me/us. It’s hard to build self esteem or worth in that kind of environment.
Well for now I’ll at least Google how to build self esteem and see where that takes me. Who knows maybe I’ll learn something that helps me on the internet. That’s always a possibility even though we all know that the internet is just for porn.
Why is it that I’m never ready Monday for to come around? Sunday evening comes and I can never believe the weekend has gone and work starts the next day.
For the last two weeks I’ve tried to watch what I’ve eaten and really eat smaller meals or in more moderation. I hadn’t been paying attention much and I was eating lunch out everyday. So now I’ve brought my lunch to work and I’ve eaten 5 or 6 smaller meals a day.
So I starting out another week and I had a little good news this morning. This morning when I got on the scales and in just two weeks I’m down seven pounds. I’m not being strict with my diet but rather just focusing on eating healthier and eating appropriate portion sizes. I’ve pushed myself for a while with the philosophy of shopping on the outer edge of the grocery store. So cutting pack on processed food.
The next big focus will be increasing my physical activity. I’m not much for going to the gym. People ask “don’t you feel great after you go?” The response is “No!” I never get pleasure out of going to the gym. I don’t find it social most of the time and I don’t get any euphoric high from going to the gym. Now in the past I did lose a little weight but the reason I don’t loose more weight is that I don’t push myself physically. Growing up I never got that introduction to physical activity. Even growing up on a farm physical activity was work. Well what kid wants to work? Yeah we would sometimes go walk the farm but that wasn’t a frequent occurrence.
Every year (for the last several years) I’ve said I’m going to get healthy and try to lose the weight. Well I’m trying to do it this year and I’m just doing it one step at a time. So if you have any suggestions please feel free to pass them on through the comment box. I’ll try to keep you updated and who knows maybe I’ll even try to post some pictures as I got through the process. I’m not much for taking pictures of myself so don’t hold your breath but I’ll try.
So tonight I went to the gym. Anyone who knows me would never use gym in a sentence when talking about me. Well unless they say “Eric hates the gym.” That my friends would be the truest statement that has ever been made about me. Since after the stroke last year I’ve not really went to the gym.
So I signed up online for the gym. Then I went to the gym on a Sunday about a month ago. It wasn’t very busy which is the way I like it. I’ll put a little plug-in here for the gym I guess. I’m going to the 24 Hour Fitness at 2145 Market Street. After pondering whether I should walk around looking for the locker room I broke down and asked where the locker room was after walking into the gym. The guy at the front desk offered to give me a tour. I respectfully decline so I didn’t have to deal with any salesmanship that he may feel obligated to do.
So I make my way to the locker room, change my clothes, and as I’m getting to go out to the gym floor. Right there before me is a guy that is practically model beautiful. Of course all the negative baggage from my childhood years come rushing forward. I say that because I can’t imagine anyone that looks like that would even talk to me. (I was and probably always will be the last one picked for group activities.) So I make my way to the gym floor, find a stationary bike and start to peddle. Shortly afterwards a guy walks up to use this rowing machine sitting next to me. I try to just zone about but then I my mind drifts to this place were you kind of hope that he’s picked that because he’s interested in you. Now that’s all well and good EXCEPT recently people are attracted to me because I’m fat. Not because I have pretty eyes, nice smile, witty laugh, or I’m a well-rounded (no pun intended) person. For a second I’m OK with that … he was tall and handsome. I mean shouldn’t I be flattered that he’s attracted to me, even if I am fat?
Well as you can imagine that little fantasy didn’t last long. Then I remember all those times being picked last or having family members call me things like the human garbage disposal. So then I just try to stop thinking and finish out 30 minutes on the bike. When I reach that point I go in change my clothes and leave. I decide to walk home for more exercise. That may not seem like a big deal but when you live somewhat close to the top of the highest point in the city. It tends to elevate your heart rate close to a that sweet spot for cardio exercise.
Oh then to do more of my new years resolution I’m writing about it. Of course I’m complaining but it’s still in a written format so in my opinion I’ve done what I set out to do. That’s what’s really important isn’t it?
So I wonder what I’ll find to complain about next? Oh and if you have constructive criticism that you think would help me feel free to send it to me. I’ll be sure to take it under advisement. If it’s not constructive it may be just trashed or even the topic of a posting. It just depends on how my demons are doing that day I guess.
So it’s been two weeks since my contract ended. I’ve been looking for a job and I’ve had a couple interviews. One of the interviews is promising and the company would be great to work. I met 5 people from the company and I liked everyone I met. From what I hear they all liked me. The waiting to find out if they offer me the job is torture. One can only hope that everything works out.
So over the weekend I’ve been keeping myself busy. Friday night I went to go see TAO: The Art of the Drum and it was amazing show. The presentation was great. The music was amazing. Saturday I went to the Chinese New Year parade. Today (Sunday) I went to the Russian Festival to add a little more culture to my weekend.
Tomorrow, we’ll see what I can get involved in during the day. My ultimate hope is that I’ll hear from this company. Maybe I’ll take myself out for a nice lunch. I would say I might buy myself something pretty but I know I won’t do that. I don’t have any plans this next weekend. I might take a little road trip next weekend. Just to get myself out of town and clear my head.
I’m not much for New Year Resolutions but I guess it doesn’t hurt to set some goals for yourself. It’s a way to set goals for one self. So here are some things that I should focus on in the coming year.
Post more articles to my blog.
I’ll try to post one every week at least.
Lose some weight
I’m sure this will be a challenge
Update the look of the blog so it’s ‘prettier’
This will be a real challenge for me because I’m not very visual. I might have to enlist the help of a friend or two.
The way I look at the new year is a time of reflection. It’s a time when you can/should say thanks to all the people who has played an important role. Reflection and thanks are two things that I find people don’t do enough. I’ve spent a good amount on reflection but I don’t think I’ve done enough time thanking people.
So to all the people who love and support me in life, Thank You! You’ve all been there for me so many times. Through good and bad I can always count on you.